To do list
by iamsusan
Summary: Verence trying to be a real King, now includes him performing his royal duties
1. Chapter 1

Verence adjusted the crown. It was a good crown, made of gold and jewels. It screamed "I AM A KING". It was just a shame the face underneath said "I am a...err...clerk? If it's ok with you?" The "you" in this case happened of course to be Granny Weatherwax, who could have the crown removed and replaced with his old hat. He still woke up with sweat pouring down his face from dreams about that possibility. The nightmares...

He managed to balance it on his ears although they were starting to buckle under the weight of all the gold. He'd just have to do today's royal duties very fast before his ears gave way. He checked the list.

_close parliament for good_

_bellowing lesson_

_carouse_

_visit __M__istress __W__eatherwax to check if he was doing it right_

_go hunting_

_belch_

Well he could do most of that at high speed. And maybe he could get some ear buttresses from the dwarfs.


	2. Chapter 2

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* * *

_

Close parliament for good

"I King Verence II of Lancre, hereby, _sorry sorry lost my place, ah here we are,_ do close the parliament of the Kingdom of Lancre for good, all decisions will now be made by me and only me. Oh and Magrat if she'll help. Which she probably will. I think. Um...yes I think thats it, anyway, you can all go about your business, sort of now."

He was rewarded by blank stares from every member of the ex-lancrastian parliament. Finally one spoke;

"So we don't have to keep turning up anymore?"

"No you don..."

He was almost stampeded in the rush to get to the door.

Right, he thought, ticking off number one of his royal duties.

_Bellowing lesson_

He pushed up the crown


	3. Chapter 3

_bellowing lesson_

He'd never expected it to be so difficult. After all couldn't everyone bellow?

Apparently not.

'ITS NOT JUST SHOUTING YOU KNOW!! THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN JUST A LOUD VOICE!'

'Like what...I MeAN LIkE wHAt ?"

'YOU MUST NEVER SAY THESE WORDS!!'

He took the list whilst nursing his ears. Not only was the crown now weighing down on them, but his tutor's...enthusiasm...was compounding the problem. They ached inside and out. He read the list

-Sorry  
-Please  
-Thank You  
-Um  
-Er  
-Excuse me

'NOW' he said 'HOW WOULD YOU...'

'Would you mind being a little quieter? I'm getting a headache.'

His tutor glared

'Fine' he snapped back ' but don't expect to learn to bellow then if I can't immerse you in it. Anyway how would you ask your wife to pass the salt?'

'Well I'd say; "Magrat would you please pass me the salt, thank you"'

'Now you should say "MAGRAT! PASS THE SALT!! NOW!"'

As his teacher droned on about voice pitch and tempo one thought sprung to Verence's mind

Being a "real" king isn't all it's cracked up to be


	4. Chapter 4

_Carouse_

This at least should be easy. After all, it doesn't take a great deal of skill to miss your mouth.

And he was right, it didn't. What was the problem was missing his eyes, nose and ears.

He also had a vague notion that carousing was supposed to be beer or ale rather than lukewarm cocoa.

His fellow carouser was having no problem with it. Then again Nanny Ogg had had raised him

There was also the other difficulty. The dictionary said that to carouse was to have a merry drinking party, but on such short notice the only party he could find was Sally Weaver's birthday party. She was "five today" according to her brightly coloured badge. Shawn had only come along because he was Kings companion on Tuesday nights for half an hour before donning the robes of the Lord High Admiral of the Lancrastian Navy.

Verence had a idea you were supposed to sing whilst carousing, but years at the...f...fo...foo...guild had given him a carefully cultivated singing voice that, with training could sound like a donkey attempting and failing to meow...he decided to leave it


	5. Chapter 5

He stood at the door to the dilapidated cottage

_Visit Mistress Weatherwax to see if he was doing it right._

This was the one he had long dreaded. What if he wasn't doing it right? What if she made him common again- or worse...No. Nothing he could do could **ever** be bad enough to justify that.

Although he reflected, readjusting his ears, at least the damn hat would fit.

Mistress Weatherwax probably wasn't interested. She had her own affairs to deal with. He would come back tomorrow. Or Tuesday. Or maybe-

"Come in".

The door to the cottage opened. Verence cautiously tried to gird his loins, got severe cramp, gave up and leaving his loins ungirded, stepped inside.

"Am I...well...am i...doing...doing everything okay?"

"'Taint for me to say I'm sure. Kings are supposed to know that themselves, without having to ask Witches."

"Oh. Right, yes. Must add that to my list. _Develop Kingly sixth sense_. But anyway, I'm doing it alright?"

"Yes your Kinglyship. You're doing well enough" Granny conceded "Although what's this I hear about a witch tax?"

"Pure rumour of course" said Verence hastily "I'll be off now..."

"the kingdom is happy, the Land is well"

"Thank you" Verence knew why he had worked so hard now. The approval of Granny Weatherwax was all he really needed.

Except of course the ear struts.

* * *

I've never been to good at Granny Weatherwax. How did I do this time?  
I Know this is a little sappier than the others but hey, I'm in a sappy mood


	6. Chapter 6

Go hunting

This was a hard one. After all both he and his wife were strict vegetarians. He'd checked with the Royal etiquette advisor (Shawn Ogg), the Protocol Minister (S. Ogg) and the chief gamekeeper (Shawn Ogg, Esq.) and all three (with different hats) claimed that hunting beans and radishes was not an acceptable alternative.

Also the hunting park had been turned into vegetable husbandry gardens.

Also the royal hunting clothes included a rather large, rather heavy hat.

But since Nanny Ogg had said he had to hunt, hunt he would.

He saddled his horse, jumped up, fell down because he hadn't tightened the girth, tried again, fell down out of sheer incompetence, got trodden on by the horse and decided to hunt on foot.

Walking into the hunting park he spotted a rabbit. He closed his eyes, notched an arrow, took a step forward and...

Crunch

He stepped on a cockroach.

Picking it up by its broken legs, He turned back into the castle.

Shawn had said nothing about the acceptability of cockroaches.


End file.
